Give me your skin, George
The Dinos went deep three times
Welcome to (Mostly) Good Dumb Fun, an email newsletter that we hope will deliver on exactly what the title promises.
This email is written by Jordan Zakarin, Emily Gaudette, and Eric Francisco. We’re gonna collect the best of the weird stuff we find throughout the day and then send it to you every evening. Everything is bad right now, so hopefully this helps a little bit.
I considered writing something about Star Wars, but I don’t think you need me greeting you with your umpteenth “May the Fourth” on a day that actually has nothing to do with Star Wars other than sounding like a pun on its iconic phrase. (Jordan’s note: Eric wrote this on the 4th but I fucked up so we’re not sending this until the 5th.)
So instead, I leave you with this. As people insist on “reopening the economy” at great risk to everyone else, I implore you further to stay home. If you won’t listen to me, listen to Solid Snake. Rather, listen to David Hayter, the lead voice actor of the Metal Gear Solid games who has fully embraced reprising his role for meme purposes, to tell you what you should still be doing in quarantine even now, 50+ days later. That includes washing your hands, staying home, and supporting local businesses. “Order a pizza, and eat the whole thing alone.” Yes sir, Solid Snake. - Eric
The above tweet is part of a thread I saw today that pairs headlines from The Onion with stills from Lord of the Rings films. Every one of them is funny!
The Fellowship of the Ring includes Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, and Gandalf (and I guess Bill the pony), and the above group is the subsection of the Fellowship that visited Edoras to figure out what the hell was going on with Theoden, King of Rohan.
There are two primary kingdoms of men (re: humans) in the Lord of the Rings novels—Edoras is the capital of Rohan, and Minas Tirith is the capital of Gondor. You can imagine Edoras as Philadelphia and Minas Tirith as Washington, D.C. There is no New York City equivalent among the human cities because it’s way too interesting for humanity, and is therefore Lothlorien, the kookiest city of the elves.
The people of Rohan are sort of rough around the edges, a little bit crunchy-granola-birkenstocks, whereas the people of Gondor are hyper competent but cold and stiff. Smith College is Rohan, Wellesley College is Gondor.
Some other stuff that is Rohan: sourdough starters, the Please Touch Me museum, hand-made wool socks, composting, a backyard fire pit.
Some stuff that is Gondor: a crystal chandelier, the Met, a white cashmere sweater, calligraphy, an electric fireplace that you start by flipping a switch.
- Emily
Another thing from me today. I wish I could show Loki memes. - Emily
I am absolutely fucking exhausted today, but at least I have a good excuse: Last night, I stayed up until about 2:30am watching Korean baseball.
While the United States stuck in a suicide spiral that has put sports, movies and everything else good in this life on pause, countries that aren’t filled to the brim with sociopath dipshits who refuse to sit at home and watch fucking Netflix for a few months until the virus threat dissipates now get to start moving on to some semblance of normalcy. South Korea, a country used to existential threats, has done an exemplary job of dealing with coronavirus, which has in turn enabled it to kickstart its professional baseball league, a ten team circuit known as the KBO. ESPN, desperate for any live sports, signed a deal to broadcast six KBO games a week, a delightful development that’s going to satiate insane people like myself and help the powerhouse network dominate the coveted 1 am to 6 am EST time slot.
KBO fans are some of the most passionate sports fans in the world, known for their drum playing, mid-game chanting, and extreme reverence for the league’s colorful assortment of superstars. Unfortunately, the KBO is playing without fans in the stands right now, one of the league’s cautionary concessions to COVID-19, a reality that robs first-time American viewers of experiencing a fair amount of the excitement at the eight stadiums across South Korea. Thankfully, the league came up with an ingenious solution that enhances the game, especially if you’re a stupid-tired, loopy American who has been sitting at home for two months.
Instead of having teams play in quiet, empty stadiums, KBO officials decided to fill tens of thousands of seats with placards featuring photos of fans wearing protective face masks. And to ensure that it doesn’t appear as if those thousands of “fans” are just sitting there in silence, the home team also blasts over the PA system audio tracks of fans murmuring, cheering, and otherwise enjoying the game. I first noticed it last night when a member of the Samsung Lions got a hit and it sounded as if the non-existent crowd was cheering as he rounded first base.
At that point, there was a pretty solid chance that I was just imagining the cheers, and I thought that my brain might creating the stimulus it was expecting in that moment. But no; it turned out that the Lions (who lost 4-0 to the NC Dinos, a team whose mascot is known as Swole Daddy) were being cheered on by disembodied voices broadcast over the loudspeaker in the empty stadium. The Dinos hit three homers in the game, which gave Americans a taste of the grand tradition of bat-flipping, a pimp move that is embraced in Korea but gets you a fastball in the ribs from whiny pitchers in Major League Baseball.
Tomorrow’s game starts at 5am and I can’t wait to watch, even if it means I feel like shit the rest of the day. Where am I going? - Jordan
